Hmmmm....

...

A fire begins with a joyous spark
This spark dances and mingles like a drunken frat boy
Ignition to flame changes the meaning
Warmth and light as the parasite consumes
It seems odd that such destruction has so many benefits

But now I realize the scintillation isn't merely in my head
It's a vacuum to the air I'm breathing and all around me is chaos
People are screaming for their lives and for others' and yet
All I can do is wipe the sweat from my brow
Is this the apathy I have for the world?

So I lay down and the heat comforts me
I don't even notice that I'm slipping away
Everything now are embers and ash
And with my final breath I call out
But there is no one to hear

So I Was Looking At The Moon...

....and I got to thinking.

Have you ever known a top that moved in perpetual motion? I realize that's physically impossible here on this planet, I mean with gravity, friction, and whatnot. But, really...perpetual motion doesn't really exist, does it? And space can't possibly be without friction...maybe minuscule amounts, but there's got to be some sort of force out there that would cause friction. Perhaps, nothing more than the gravity of other celestial objects?

And that led me to think, what if the Earth is slowing its rotation? What if over the last...I don't know...million or billion years, the Earth's rotation has slowed by a second or a minute or something. What kind of repercussions would be involved in that? What if that would explain global warming or vast extinctions or total climate change like an ice age?

All of that came to me, just staring at the moon.

Think of that, while listening to this:

Chronicling The Times

Mid-October is upon me.

The seasons changing and the daylight hours fading is making me restless and depressed. I'm working now (at the Gap) and I'm meeting new people. They're all very nice and fun to be co-workers with, but that's the full extent of it. I haven't seen any of my friends in nearly a month, with the exception of my ex, who I saw a few weeks ago. It was great to see her; I was almost giddy. Is that pathetic? I'm not sure. I guess I'm having a harder time with no longer being with her than I allow myself to realize. What's up with that? I had an exchange with another friend of mine and she had some tough words for me. I can't seem to come to terms with reality and I'm suffering because of that. To put it into perspective, I haven't listened to more than a song or two from a metal act in weeks. I've been listening to alt-country, indie rock, and bluegrass; anything that is remotely sad in tone. Yeah, that's probably exacerbating the problem, but it feels wrong to listen to anything peppier or more aggressive. I've even lost all interest in video games and television.

I feel like I'm hitting the midpoint of a larger crossroad. I want to see where these roads will take me, but it's becoming increasingly taxing to push myself day-to-day. I'm finding that I feel like giving up more frequently. Perhaps that's also a by-product of how much I've been working. It should pay off (literally) but I can't imagine my limited sleep schedule has done me any favors. It all is adding up to a perfect storm of perceived helplessness. And that's likely what it is: perceived. I suppose the deciding factor is that I'm beginning to buy into it.

I recently went to the cemetery to visit my mother's grave. I stayed for about an hour, sitting at the headstone. I thought about how things might be different in my life if she were still alive. I also thought about what she'd think of me and how I'm living my life. I didn't come to any conclusions and I even feel like I just ended up with more questions. On the 29th, it will have been 13 years since she passed. I can't believe it's been that long. Every day I think about her and I miss her more and more. I never truly mourned the loss. I can vividly remember being alone at her side after she had slipped away and being in a state of shock and denial. Shortly before that, I remember riding the elevator to the floor she was on in the hospital and seeing the nurse turn the corner at the exact moment my grandma and I arrived and I'll never forget her face: she stopped suddenly and looked directly at me and after a brief pause she broke down crying and said simply, "I'm so sorry." I didn't cry at the funeral or when we made our way to the cemetery. I still haven't fully accepted it. I feel like the day I do will be both a time of crushing sorrow and of relief.

I don't really have anything else to add to this, other than admitting shameless whining and overall bitchness. I'm a grown man, but I act like a teenager. I understand my issues, but I refuse to do anything about them.

In a nightmare, I am falling from the ceiling into bed beside you.
You're asleep, I'm screaming, shoving you to try to wake you up.
And like before, you've got no interest in the life you live when you're awake.
Your dreams still follow storylines, like fictions you would make.
So I lie down against your back, until we're both back in the hospital.
But now it's not a cancer ward, we're sleeping in the morgue.
Men and women in blue and white, they are singing all around you,
with heavy shovels holding earth, you're being buried to you neck.
In that hospital bed, being buried quite alive now.
I'm trying to dig you out but all you want is to be buried there together.

You're screaming, and cursing,
and angry, and hurting me,
and then smiling, and crying,
apologizing.

I've woken up, I'm in our bed, but there's no breathing body there beside me.
Someone must have taken you while I was stuck asleep.
But I know better as my eyes adjust, you've been gone for quite awhile now,
and I don't work there in the hospital, they had to let me go.
When I try to move my arms sometimes, they weigh too much to lift.
I think you buried me awake, my one and only parting gift.
But you return to me at night, just when I think I may have fallen asleep.
Your face is up against mine, and I'm too terrified to speak.

You're screaming, and cursing,
and angry, and hurting me,
and then smiling, and crying,
apologizing.

It's Been A While

It's been over a year since I've posted anything here. A lot has happened since then and yet I feel like I'm repeating the same cycle. That can't be true, though, because I've made some decisions that will change the course of my life. I'm excited about this, but it's also taken a toll on me emotionally. I guess I'll just have to tough it out and see where I end up another year from now. With that, here's some of what's been going on the past year.

I changed my major at school twice. I started the last school year as an Education major then switched at semester to just English. I thought things would go well credits-wise, but apparently not. I was told that the past four years in college have only collected two years worth of satisfaction in my major. Fantastic, right? So...

...I decided to join the Navy. I signed up at the beginning of this summer and I've got a ship-date of January 12, 2011. I did very well on my ASVAB (Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery) - a 92! I qualified for many positions and ended up selecting the Advanced Electronics/Computer Field career. I don't know yet what sort of job I will end up having, but I figure it will be fun. I'm training in Great Lakes, IL, which means I'll be close to Chicago. Joining the Navy seems like it will be a great decision down the line, but it has led to some heartache.

Shortly before I signed my papers I started seeing a girl. We hit it off well. I really liked her and she seemed to like me too. Less than two months ago, we became full-on girlfriend/boyfriend. It was great. We got a long well. We listened to music together; we went to concerts; we had a great time. Then, she broke up with me. That was less than a week ago. She has her own issues to deal with, and I get that. She also wasn't stoked about the Navy, and I get that too. I just wish it could have worked out. I really like that girl; she's special.

Which brings me to now. I'm bummed. Hell, I'm posting on this blog, so you probably already knew that. (remember my revelations in the other posts?) It's rough. I don't want to be alone, but I can't fault a woman for saying no when I'm clearly entering a period of uncertainty. So where does that leave me? I don't know. I'm still working through this break-up and I'm waiting for my mind to clear. It'll be a while, but I know I'll be fine. Doesn't suck any less though.

I wrote in my mole-skin for the first time the other day. I'll present what I wrote here, though I can't vouch for it being worth anything:

Sitting outside

listening to my own thoughts

killing myself slowly with this cigarette in between my lips

It stops the words from coming

out of my mouth but not

the dialog inside my mind

There are cars passing by

reminding me of those times we

had driving around town listening

to our ipods, searching for a

place to have coffee and to

talk about our day

Birds mingle and chatter like

we would in bed

playful and serious all at once

yet the breeze, like a breath

separates the words of

individuals

calm and violent

damage without harm

comforting but chilling

all contained in a sigh

So there you go. To wrap this up, here's a song:

Summer, Summer, Summer, Summertime

June already. This summer has been unusually cool, but that's not really something to complain about I guess. It's just not something that you think of when the rays of sunshine beat on you in the dead oppression that is mid-year humidity. Or, at least that's how it's supposed to be.

I'm feeling pretty lost at the moment.

I don't have a job (all of the opportunities I had fell through) and it's beginning to wear on me pretty hard. I know it's difficult to find work with the stuttering economy, but that doesn't mean I'm not freaking out about it. Luckily, I have an information session with Mutual of Omaha coming, but who knows what that will amount to. If it's a full-time job I can carry to part-time when school starts I'll be very glad for the opportunity. I won't get my hopes up though. My guess is that it's an entry-level position that is supposed to lead to a life-long career and that's the farthest from what I'm looking for. I feel bad thinking of it like that, especially since I need the money really bad, but it's just a waste of my time and the company's time to hire someone for two months. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's how it feels to me.

In other news, there is no other news.

School is over for the summer (obviously) and I still need to get registered for more than two classes. I thought I had a jump on it too, but the classes I needed/wanted to take filled right away. I'll probably have to e-mail my adviser later if I still can't get into any of them, but I'll keep trying.

This fall is going to be really important. I have to get my ass in gear so I can apply formally for the Teacher's College and hopefully I will be accepted. I'm a little worried, but we'll see how it goes. The thing that worries me is that I barely don't have the GPA for it and I doubt I can raise it enough in one semester to make up the difference.

It honestly feels like I'm driving 100mph into a wall blindfolded in a soundless vacuum. It's like I was saying the other day to my Grandma, all throughout my life I had always had structure, structure, structure and now that's all gone and I'm wandering aimlessly. It's extremely difficult for me to feel any sort of comfort in anything at the moment also. That's a weird notion too because I have so many good friends and family all around me, but it still feels like I'm alone. Why is that? What is that stupid trigger in our brains that make us feel helpless and isolated even when we know there's nothing but good around us?

This is going nowhere. I'll just link a YouTube video or something; gotta find something worth it first...

Here we go...something that at least makes me feel better watching it:

I'm Starting To Notice A Trend

Seems like I never really have the motivation to make a blog post unless I'm feeling a little depressed. I guess I have addressed that issue before, so it makes sense. And if there's any confusion about that, I've found that it's correlated with having many things on my mind and not really having any other sort of outlet for it. (read: no one to talk to, really) I mean, I know that there are quite a few of my friends that would immediately read this and rush to me and say, "I'll listen to you!! Don't worry, be happy!" That's great and all, but I don't really have the best communication skills and when pressed I stumble around on my thoughts and then I retreat to the hovel in my head. Basically, I find it incredibly difficult to articulate my emotions verbally, but for whatever reason I have no problem writing them down.

Anyway, where to begin...

I guess I'll start with the ground level and work my way up. Even as I type this I can't get a hold of my thoughts.

Spring Semester '09 is well underway. I have a damn full schedule too - 2 English classes, Statistics, American History after 1877, Adolescent Development, and a Practicum.

I don't know what the Practicum will entail yet, but I'm excited for it. I hope I don't get "addicted" to it though. This will be my first experience being on the faculty-side of a school and I don't want to like it too much. I fear I will be more anxious to be done with my own schooling than I already am - and I have over 3 years left to go! The byproduct of that could be apathy for my own education and I'll end up putting out less effort than I already fail to do.

All these classes have put a significant strain on my financial situation too. I think that's what I'm most stressed about. I have been for a while, but it seems to be getting worse - hence this blog post I guess.

I was unable to keep my position at the Nebraska Book Company that I had held since October, and worse still I heard that it'll likely be impossible to get a job there again until the summer as they laid-off about 30+ people this past week. And with my school schedule and the hours I'll have to put in for my Practicum, the idea of getting a job capable of paying for my myriad of bills is also increasingly unlikely. I'm keeping my eye out for anything promising and flexible that I could tend to at school - but who knows. I almost want to try to get my own place this summer and see how I fare. It'll be a little more expensive up-front, but I feel like in the long-run it could be cheaper - especially if I make the smart move and take out significantly more loan money next year. I just can't live and take classes without the extra money. Unless I were to live in the dorms, but that would be far more expensive considering I've discovered I'm capable of living fairly cheaply.

Ugh. I'm pretty sure that's it. Money. That's my problem. That's what's fucked my head up and has me feeling helpless and depressed. It's difficult to stick with it, that's for sure. Going back to what I was talking about earlier - I think what I need is a close friend, I mean really close - like June Carter+Johnny Cash close.

In the mean time, here's a little ditty by a band called "In Flames."